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SEEING MYSELF AUTHENTICALLY

21.03.2019

I think it’s easily conceivable, that considering ones life to be full of the unknown, and therefore constantly finding things out about yourself is pretty instinctive, for us to know. Life is a journey of working out how to fit into the things that attract you, just like how atoms come into becoming, we are constantly creating ourselves, yet we are always there. As if our soul uses the body to seek out more parts of itself, from the physical world, which of course is a perfect task for the physical body, as it is there for us to use to experience the physical world.

Yet despite this, aside of the innate knowledge that i shall spend my life discovering more of the world and myself, i find myself at 24 shocked at how much of a stranger you can be to yourself.

Since a nervous breakdown, i’ve often found myself trying to link up the pattern leading to and from it. Significant questions over myself has definitely been one pattern concerning this,  who am i? What do my actions make my character? Does my character correlate with my actions? What of me is empty of me, only formed by others ideas? How do i be true to myself, in a world obsessed with artificial living, and be comfortable?

It became an obsession for my mind to daydream on and to cling onto anything that could be linked to it, desperate to build more information, desperate for answers.

Recovery has been aggressive mentally, exhausting physically and traumatic emotionally, its like a rush of everything at once consuming your mind then your body, then of course your life for it’s mind and body shaping that. Every now and then though, answers come, softly and calmly, lacking entirely the drama some of my nights spent silently begging for answers had.

Today i saw myself in my minds eye and felt my aura in my body, things i usually find myself seeking for, only to be frustrated more, at how i can’t picture it outside of my own externally affected feelings, desires and expectations, my ego and others ideas, of which float into me more and more as our kind overpopulate more and more. Yet today, i saw, i felt, i knew quite simply my energy, not at all defining that knowledge in the scientific way of dissecting to the smallest grain and defining each part and its relation and use, but defining it as the more artistic, subjective and personal way, the intuitively sure way that feels natural, comfortable and as if it was always and will always be known by you. Seeing what colours your being most and what moves it most.

A strong playful and sensual energy is thick on my being, intersected with wide eyed innocence and the venom of anxiety. The desire for softness molded to that thick playful substance that makes me, for everything to be fun, to feel good, to be enjoyed together as well as alone, a playground, no pressures, only a chance to create, no fails, just laughter and trying. The thick sensual substance that makes me, having me feel everything and crave to feel more, having me sink into skin and skies, memories and auras of personal spaces. Playfulness a drive in my being, to never accept limits, to bite off more than i can chew, breaking my teeth till i succeed then laughing at what a game it was, silently daring the world for another challenge, like a small child wanting to take the whole world on whilst silently terrified about how much they don’t know. Playfulness, in me, lives of this, daring the unknown, threatening all limits, excited to extend the playground, to refuse to doubt its boundlessness, but in this submitting to being transparent, for that which is endless is tied down to no form, to no formula, no calculation, it is far smaller than a drop of water and far beyond our planetary system, and so as cocky as it is in its strive to extend any felt limitations, it is submissive, using submission as an action to help go beyond the lines, by falling through, rather than stepping over, my sensual energy of course thriving off of that fall, for whatever is of us to make us up, is in some partnership. My sensual energy, is the source of when i overheat, overwhelmed when too much comes in and i am unable to absorb their individualities, it is also the source to the strength in my apathy for it gives reason to its need.

When i consider, how i, in this physical realm, in this western society governed by  western dogmas that seem to rule the world, equate to being ‘between’, unable to even play either created gender role through to any real end, i consider myself aside of this. With me as my energies, where within the source of the created gender roles in regards to masculinity and femininity do i fall.

I find that it takes time, to really think outside of the boxes your thoughts have been brought up to be grown within, it happens in steps, i once considered myself as possessing percentages of the two main created gender roles, the bigger percentage entailing the things humans had mostly deemed a males nature and the other percentage of the things humans had mostly deemed as a females nature. Even this is too far a step behind from the truth, as it is still thinking within created ideas, ones i had already proven through existence alone do not belong to or for me, and honestly, now with an image of me in my minds eye, i see peoples ideas of masculinity in my playful energy, its stubbornness, recklessness, its leading nature and ability to be free in solitude. I also see humans ideas on femininity within my playfulness, in its love of fantasy, in how it uses submission, in its need to be vulnerable. I can see human ideas of masculinity in my sensual energy, in its reactivity and intensity in how it drifts to what feels good despite all else, i also see the femininity in this energy, even the name sensual, is seen to go hand in hand with human ideas on femininity, in how it is erotic, emotional, passionate and soft. It has made me realise, i am not sure if there is more or less of what is feminine or masculine within me, but it is not about that, not to society, not to gender roles, it is instead about what of those parts within you are defined by them.

You may be sitting there thinking, woah Ro, you think too much, what does a realization such as this serve anyway, but honestly recognising more of how my being is more whole, more connected, more full outside of others ideas and decided definitions is something i find to be both healing and important for how i live and for my personal goal of trying to stay as close to authenticity.

I also wrote this, for when i forget myself, as i know, now matter how i grow, how much knowledge i accumulate, i will forget myself, living between realms, living emotionally physically and spiritually in a troubled earth.

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